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Let’s keep one thing in perspective. We’re human and we make mistakes. We have a sense of what poor judgement feels like, once we’ve said or done things that didn’t ‘feel’ right. But some, simply never own up to their share of mistakes. They never apologize for anything.
Why is it difficult for them to utter the words ‘I’m Sorry’? It is quite frustrating to deal with individuals, who know they’re wrong; but will never own up to their mistakes. And then there are those, who don’t even see their actions or words as a mistake worth admitting to. Depending on the situation, they’ll either trivialize the matter, dumb down the other person’s feelings, play the victim card or just act indifferent.
Even if they do apologize on rare occasion, it sounds more like lip service or a favour.
Ever come across such people? If you haven’t yet, good for you! Dealing with such individuals, who are rigidly stuck in their own ways and not willing to make amends, is a common plague. Now, I’m not a psychologist and don’t plan to dissect the issue from a scientific angle. I’m just a curious mind and have often reflected on this question, because time and again I run into such individuals.
A genuine sorry and an effort to correct things, is not an act of weakness or inferiority. On the contrary, it means that you are mature enough to let the relationship win, over yourself. It means, you let your peace of mind stay intact. A common observation with people who have difficulty uttering such words of courtesy, is their indifference or inflexible stand towards others. They hold others to a different standard than they do themselves. They expect to be treated well when the same things they do to others, are done to them.
Apologizing, is attached to one’s self-identity or self-worth. For a secure individual who cares about a relationship above him/herself, saying sorry is a way to bridge the gap with an honest intention to make things right. It’s not to show who has the ‘upper hand’ or ‘lower hand’ in the equation. One needs emotional depth to understand, that when solving a problem at hand, the other person is not the issue. The problem you’re facing, is the real issue. We regularly make the mistake of associating the person to be the problem. If we can dissociate the problem and the person, we’ll be able to handle the situation with more empathy and rationale. We won’t lose our temper and convert a simple conversation of addressing challenges, into a full blown confrontation.
Do you remember misunderstandings that extend so long that you entirely forget what the matter is, but because you’ve maintained a certain stand, however wrong, changing it now seems like a personal bruise to your ego? It then no longer is about correcting things; but simply a matter of holding your position long enough till you get the other person to budge. More often than not, such people have a tough time letting things go.
Let’s say you have a friend with whom you decide to meet at a certain time and place. The friend shows up late. But, this is not a one off behavior. It is a pattern that keeps repeating. Whenever the plan is made, you’re the one always waiting. You express your irritation or resentment on that issue. In my observation, two things will happen. First is, your friend will apologize and make up for it by coming on time, next time onwards. The second is, an attitude of indifference. It doesn’t matter if you keep waiting; they will neither apologize for it, nor do anything about it. There will always be new excuses for such behavior; that they’ll fully expect you to understand. For the non-apologists, the second situation is way more comfortable as it helps them to protect their fragile ego. Avoiding the situation, according to them, will somehow automatically solve it. It will take care of itself and they’ll be off the hook.
A fragile sense of self-worth is often the underlying cause of such behavior. Not apologizing, reaffirms their faith that they made the other person cave in; and they ‘stood their ground’. Saying sorry is easy when you accidentally stamp someone’s feet on the bus or bump into someone while walking on the road. The odds of your self-worth being bruised in such encounters is quite low. However, if it’s your parent, friend, sibling, boss, partner, or spouse that you’re dealing with, odds are, things could either escalate into a confrontation or turn to cold indifferent vibes.
Solving a concern, starts with acknowledging that a genuine problem exists. If you keep brushing it aside nonchalantly, an issue that could’ve been nipped in the bud, becomes a much larger distraction to deal with later.
If you personally know someone like this in your life, it is important to draw boundaries with them. If it affects your peace of mind or causes you to get instigated every single time, then make sure you find ways of handling them tactfully. For instance, that friend who is always late but never does anything to correct it? Don’t make important time bound plans with them. If you must, do your part by reaching the venue on time and give them a buffer that suits you. If they fail to show up by then, continue with your plan and let them join in later. You could devise a way that works best for you. There needs to be consequences for being taken for granted. If you are someone who values time and the other person simply doesn’t, remember that you are dealing with someone who has a different value system, and is not worth being bothered over. Just change your approach in dealing with them.
Apologizing takes strength and emotional maturity. Saying sorry, and then actually doing something about it, is a courageous act. Be the bigger person, always.
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