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“Wala kang pakikisama, pre. Kelangan mo tutunan yan.” You lack a sense of camaraderie and you need to learn it were the words of one of my seniors when I once again declined my team’s invitation to spend a night out with them drinking.
It was the same thing again. A sense of guilt and alarm engulfed my system. It was my first job and I needed to make a good impression if I was ever to advance up this well-known company.
He would ask me again with a look of disapproval. “Are you sure you don’t want to join your team? You never seem to go with us during our nights out?”
“No. thanks. I have plans for tonight,”, I replied, trying my best to keep my composure while inside my head I argued with myself about the rightness of that move.
“Suit yourself.” He would say, with a look of criticism I’ve grown used to.
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A little background on my situation—I was a year without alcoholic influence during this time. I’ve quit alcohol for personal reasons. My job during that time was quite demanding wherein working overtime was very much the culture of the company. Its culture encouraged drinking, especially after office hours.
Now, I seldom join my teammates during their nights out after work, not because my teammates are horrible people but because I didn’t like spending my already limited personal time doing something I didn’t enjoy. These type of conversations I had with my senior felt like a “pick your poison” type of choice. It was either I gave up my principles for a chance to get better opportunities at the company or keep my principles and burn down possible chances for a promotion in the future.
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I think the purpose of camaraderie or “pakikisama” in Filipino is to provide a more united mindset among individuals. Its aim is to unite individuals towards a common goal regardless of their differences. However, in modern days, I believe the notion has run adrift from its original agenda. Pakikisama has now developed into an unholy alliance of crab and sheep mentality (off topic: we can call it Creep Mentality because wow, that was a convenient blend word).
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It’s an added difficulty in your path, in finding yourself when you are constantly being judged for being different from the crowd.
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I chose the latter and up to this day, I’m very thankful for the decision I made. During my college days, I grew to be selective of the people I spent time with. It may sound a tad bit arrogant but I never looked down on anyone. I would respect you for who you are and also expect respect to be given back. However, in my situation, I didn’t feel that sense of respect reciprocated. Instead, what I got was “You’re such a killjoy” or “Why are you so anti-social?” and the absolute worst—“What kind of man doesn’t drink?”
From my experience, instead of finding common ground, it airs a sense of conformity wherein you are forced to convert your preferences and beliefs into what the group believes is acceptable. It threatens to cast you out if you dare to think differently. It promotes the mindset of “If I can’t be myself, neither can you”. It’s basically high school. If you’re not into what’s trending then you’re not one of the cool kids and if you’re not one of the cool kids then that must mean you’re a loser and we don’t want anything to do with you.
It’s quite distressing how a notion that’s supposed to inspire a sense of respect towards individual opinion (despite different opinions) has evolved into doing something just for the sake of belonging somewhere.
Anyone who has forfeited their individual thinking for the sake of the delusional mentality of group harmony would naturally feel a sense of intimidation and possibly bitterness for individuals who choose to walk their own path. How could they not? These loners are breaking barriers and forging their own path. They are introducing necessary chaos in their own lives to grow and adapt to the reality that is the disarray of the world. Maybe it’s because they themselves see the inevitable—that their pakikisama leads them nowhere.
Maybe they unconsciously know that the end result of this mindset is that they remain on their comfort zone indefinitely, never attaining knowledge apart from that pondered by what’s socially acceptable. And how does this affect the so called lone wolves?
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While people really shouldn’t be guilt tripped for choosing to use their free time for themselves, it’s quite unavoidable to feel a strong sense of guilt, especially in a culture that constantly promotes group mentality instead of individual independence. It’s an added difficulty in your path, in finding yourself when you are constantly being judged for being different from the crowd.
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In the old tale, the wolf was always considered devious and manipulative while the sheep were considered as timid and incapable.
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Yes, you can argue that you have the option to decline the offer but the consequences of that would be a feeling of depression, remoteness and isolation. What’s even more alarming is that a lot of people who are seen as lacking pakikisama tend to turn a blind eye to their individual convictions rather than stand up for themselves. In the old tale, the wolf was always considered devious and manipulative while the sheep were considered as timid and incapable. It’s kind of ironic today that the roles are reversed.
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The point of this article is to not only voice out my opinion and stress regarding the matter but also, and more importantly, to empower individual thinking. In the working world (although not limited to it), I’m pretty sure I am not the only one who has had to deal with this dilemma. To conclude, I’d like to voice out that pakikisama is not a good enough reason to eliminate your own convictions for the purpose of belonging in a group nor is it a good measure of how well you do a particular job.
I think we should redefine the meaning of the word pakikisama. I believe the intention of it has always been good and based on respect. I think what society lacks these days is the thought that everyone is different in their own way and it is our duty as productive citizens to respect that and to never expect others to change just because their personalities and principles do not fall along whatever standards. It’s everyone’s God-given right to be able to define themselves as they see fit.
Previously published by Thought Catalog at www.thoughtcatalog.com
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